I was appalled by a news article that appeared on my screen this morning when I went to Yahoo. Santas in Sydney, Australia, are no longer allowed to use the timeless Father Christmas expression of “ho, ho, ho.” Rather, now they’ll be saying “ha, ha, ha” instead. And why? Because “ho, ho, ho” is supposedly disrespectful and offensive to women.

Excuse me while I vomit.

I have nothing against feminism. In fact, I think feminists have made great progress in narrowing the gap in inequality between men and women where voting, the home, and the workplace are concerned. But you have to draw the line somewhere, and when feminist women start complaining that something that has been so natural for so many years is offensive, I’m going to get pissed.

Because I’m a woman too, and when I hear “ho, ho, ho” being said by Santa Clause, I immediately start thinking of the very expensive Christmas list that I’ll be drafting to send to my parents. I’m not automatically assuming that Santa thinks I’m a skank. Well, he might, but that’s irrelevant. When I heard the story of Sydney’s new rule, I immediately pictured the feminist stereotype: a butch woman with unshaved … well, anything, an angry look on her face, and a sawn-off penis in her hand. In other words, a man-hater. For as many strides as conservative feminism has made, radical feminists and their automatic assumption that men are evil and that certain commonly-used terms and expressions disrespect women, labeling them as a sub-human or a man’s property, overshadow any of the good things that feminism has brought to society.

I don’t call myself a feminist. Yes, I’m all for being able to earn as much money as a man in an equal position to me. Yes, I love the fact that I can vote (whether or not the whole ‘electoral college’ idea is ludicrous). But I refuse to call myself a feminist simply for the negative connotations associated with it. And I think I would probably come under attack if I were to call myself a feminist.

Because, let’s be honest: when the waiter comes by and drops the check in front of the guy, I sit back and enjoy the gift of a free meal. When an American hero gives a speech about “mankind,” I cheer along with the rest of the crowd.

And if you say to me, “I think you should take a class on feminism to educate yourself. I believe there’s one starting next ovester,” I will punch you in the head.

I found this on The Soda Stand, which in turn linked to a Did I Say That? forum. Thought it might provide a few of you with some amusement. I know I giggled.

10 Reasons Gay Marriage Will Ruin Our Society

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Once you reach a certain age, you know what you want and you aren’t afraid let people know about it.

For 80-year-old Iowa resident Mary Wohlford, she’s decided to spell it out for everyone. In February, she got a tattoo on her chest that reads “DO NOT RESUSCITATE.” And while some doctors and lawyers in the state question the binding nature of such a request, Wohlford stands firm behind her decision, stating, “Sometimes the nuttiest ideas are the most advanced.”

* * *

A funeral is all the more poignant when it has a ‘personal’ touch to it, something that reminds loved ones of the dearly departed and brings back fond memories. Set to the tune of such popular sad songs as “I Will Always Love You” and “Candle in the Wind,” funerals aren’t exactly ripe with humor. But a 2002 survey of British funeral directors took a different approach: what were the ten most-requested odd songs at funerals? I wouldn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or get down with my bad self.

1. The Platters - “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes”
2. Queen - “Another One Bites the Dust”
3. Theme from ITN’s Ten O’Clock News
4. Various Artists - “She’ll Be Coming Round the Mountain”
5. Wham - “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”
6. The Village People - “YMCA”
7. The Jungle Book Soundtrack - “I Wanna Be Like You”
8. Flanagan and Allen - “Run Rabbit Run”
9. The Prodigy - “Firestarter”
10. Russ Abbot - “Atmosphere”

A couple of years ago, I heard about an experiment based on fragrances and their effects on men and women. The only scent I can remember from this was ‘BBQ Beef,’ an aroma expected to appeal to men, but which - unsurprisingly - turned off both sexes. (Who wants to smell like a steakhouse, anyway?) Now, a British group has decided to release a fragrance (or ‘fwagwance,’ as both my girlfriend and Canadian Kate tend to say it, not because they’re mentally challenged in any way, but because, damn, those r’s can be a bitch sometimes) that is unique and yet extremely unlikely: stilton. Yes, I am talking about that awful-smelling cheese, although apparently those involved in the perfume’s creation disagree with me. Says one spokesman, “Blue Stilton cheese has a very distinctive mellow aroma and our perfumier was able to capture the key essence of that scent and recreate it in an unusual but highly wearable perfume.” The company is speaking the host of ITV’s show “Stars in Their Eyes,” Cat Deeley, about becoming the face of the fragrance.

Want some of this? Try www.stiltoncheese.com.

And just for the record, stilton is made from whole cow’s milk, and is left to ‘ripen’ (read: rot) for ten to fifteen weeks. Mmm, tasty.

Those funny Brits.