“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” - Unknown

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” - Drew Carey

“The problem with the designated driver program [is that] it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.” - Jeff Foxworthy

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, [and] the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” - Bob Ettinger

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh my god … I could be eating a slow learner.” - Lynda Montgomery

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.” - Richard Jeni

“If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” - Johnny Carson

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.” - A. Whitney Brown

Thanks, Erica.