It’s become tradition that, whenever I make an appearance down in Virginia, my dad and I watch the latest episode of Real Time with Bill Maher together. Maher’s sarcasm and wit with regard to political commentary are spot on, and the following excerpt from one of his most recent episodes is no exception.

This is in reference to Barack Obama’s comment about working class voters, in which he said, “It’s not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or anti-pathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

And Maher’s response?

“And finally, New Rule: Referring to voters who America has left behind economically as ‘bitter’ isn’t an insult. In fact, it’s a compliment, acknowledging that they’re smart enough to understand what’s happening to them. The hopeful, now those are some idiots.

So, let’s separate the bitter - my people - from the idiots. If you think the Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you’re an idiot. If you think they’re going to take away your gun, you’re an armed idiot. And if you think they’re going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you’re Bill O’Reilly.

Now, at the end of last week when Barack Obama ignited the ‘bitter-gate’ scandal, you would have thought that he had scaled Mount Rushmore, dick-slapped Jefferson in the face, and spray painted ‘God damn America’ over Lincoln. But he wasn’t lying. The truth is that religion and guns and hating gays and immigrants are crutches that people lean on. So are fast-food, crystal meth and child beauty pageants, but we don’t have time to tackle all of America’s addictions in one night.

So, let’s focus on the big thing. That the people who claim to be the ‘non-elitists,’ are the ones who constantly shift tax burdens from the people who fire you, to you. John McCain voted to repeal the estate tax, voted against raising the minimum wage, has no health care plan, and is fine with keeping the working class in Iraq for a hundred years. But, he’s a real ‘man of the people.’

And the president went to Harvard and Yale, and inherited your country from his dad. But he’s not an elitist because he can neither read nor write.

What does it take to label someone ‘elitist’ these days anyway? They wear shoes? They don’t buy their groceries at the gas station? Their dog has a name and their truck doesn’t?!

You know who is bitter in America? I am. Because shit-kickers voted twice for a retarded guy they wanted to have a beer with, and everybody else had to suffer the consequences!”

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.” He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the rain for forty days and forty nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard … but no Ark.”Noah!” he roared. “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

Warren Buffett, the world’s richest person, yesterday guessed that the incoming (or ongoing?) recession will be far worse and last longer than most people realize, though I’m sure he will be none the worse for wear because of it.

In the meantime, thanks to high gas prices, Shell has reported a 25% increase in profits from the first quarter. Go f**k yourselves, energy companies.

The first batch of the government’s economic stimulus checks went out yesterday, and I’m pretty certain that most things bought with that $600 will have been made in China. So how exactly they’ll stimulate the American economy is beyond me.

Who knew it would suck so much to be middle class?

I’m feeling very cynical today.

What do you think, folks? Should I keep it? I have thirty days to decide, and the jury’s still out on my end. I’m a little concerned, too, that a simple search for “Blackberry addiction” on Yahoo! gives you 3,300,000 results, and a further 181,000 when you substitute in “Crackberry.”

… because you know what they say is the “worst” actually tastes the best.

Never mind that. Men’s Health, the men’s magazine dedicated to health, fitness, sex, relationships, and so on (think Cosmo for your dad) has a section every month called “Eat This, Not That.” This month, they’ve targeted the 20 worst-for-you foods this great land has to offer. I’m inclined to say that none of the items surprise me: Chipotle’s burritos, for example, though f’ing amazing, weigh about ninety-three pounds. P.F. Chang’s chicken lo mein is to die for (and maybe you will after eating it, of sudden heart failure), but were you to leave it on a paper plate for longer than three seconds, the plate would undoubtedly be translucent from the grease.

But it was number one that made me smile: Outback Steakhouse’s Aussie cheese fries with ranch dressing. Mmm. 2900 calories of yummy goodness. The description reads, “This weapon of mass construction is the caloric equivalent of eating 14 Krispy Kreme doughnuts, before your dinner arrives. Even if you split this ’starter’ with 3 friends, you’ll have downed a meal’s worth of calories.” Meg, darling, you’re a terrible influence.

I’ve become a slacker again with regard to this blog, and I’m sorry about that. Things have been pretty crazy at work lately, including the big launch last month and one of our biggest shows last week that had me traveling halfway across the country to Denver, Colorado.

When I originally set up a blog, I did so in order to keep in touch with my friends while I was over in Scotland for university. I was actually very good at updating every day, sometimes multiple times - anything to put off writing essays. The blogging continued on a regular basis until I joined the marketing team here at the office. I think, really, I’m more likely to blog when my days are less busy. That makes sense, I suppose, though one might argue that it’s those busy days that make the blog posts the most interesting.

I continue this blog as a method of connecting to my friends, both here in the States and over in Europe, and my sporadic posting parallels my cell phone activity: most of the time, I tend not to make calls or even answer the phone. Not because I don’t want to talk to you, mind you, but because, well, I just am not a phone person.

This blog is meant to be my email updates, with stories about my life, my job, what’s going on with me. And honestly, I need to get better at it.  I do enjoy blogging when I get back into the habit.

Michelle Kasprzak wrote an interesting post on why people blog. If you’ve got a few minutes, you should take a look.