Archive for Humor

I Will Be The King

Ingrid as Elvis

I’ve loved Elvis since I was a seven-year-old kid in Hawaii, where Elvis is still idolized to this day.  My parents had a mixed tape that included some of his more well-known early hits like “Teddy Bear” and “Jailhouse Rock,” and for some reason I was completely hooked the first time I listened to it.  My interest grew over the years, so much so that even my grandmother sprung for a trip to Memphis, Tennessee, as my high school graduation gift.  Needless to say, Elvis is very important in my life.

It shouldn’t surprise me that Meg has dared me to be Elvis for Halloween this year; she, in turn, is going to go as her idol Buddy Holly.  Much as I hate to admit it, she would be much better as Elvis given her thick dark hair, but he’s my idol and so it seems more appropriate for me to portray him.

In any case, I’ve been scouring eBay for gold lame jackets, trying to find an affordable one that doesn’t look like melted plastic, and I think I finally succeeded in my mission.  Now all I need is a fabulous wig that, again, isn’t plastic, and a skinny gold tie to match the one Elvis wore at that concert he did in Toronto back in ‘57.

Thanks to the wonders of Photoshop, I can get an idea of how I may look a month from now.

And I’m passing the pleasure on to you.  *laughs*

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Yeah but No but Yeah but No

I am so excited. If you’ve never seen or even heard of Little Britain before, I would suggest you look it up.

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Ingrid Needs … Sleep, I Think

Rules: Google “Your name needs” and describe the first ten results.

1. Ingrid needs … some help.

2. Ingrid needs … to write her book and help with the movie and kindly DISAPPEAR!

3. Ingrid needs … OUR help, she needs YOUR help.

4. Ingrid needs … data from the model RVAR variable.

5. Ingrid needs … YOU!!!

6. Ingrid needs … to practise her “discernmetnalist” gift that seems to have been waining.

7. Ingrid needs … the flyers a week from Monday to put in the Del. Mar Times.

8. Ingrid needs … to learn not to fall over. <- my favorite

9. Ingrid needs … to take some time to recover.

10. Ingrid needs … to first select the Identify tool located to the left of the map.

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Thick Tongues

Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

  1. Innovative
  2. Preliminary
  3. Proliferation
  4. Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:

  1. Specificity
  2. Anti-constitutional
  3. Passive-aggressive disorder
  4. Transubstantiate

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:

  1. No, thanks, I’m married.
  2. Nope, no more booze for me!
  3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
  4. Taco Bell? No, thanks, I’m not hungry.
  5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
  6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
  7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
  8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
  9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
  10. I’ll be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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This Is Why I Subscribe to HBO

It’s become tradition that, whenever I make an appearance down in Virginia, my dad and I watch the latest episode of Real Time with Bill Maher together. Maher’s sarcasm and wit with regard to political commentary are spot on, and the following excerpt from one of his most recent episodes is no exception.

This is in reference to Barack Obama’s comment about working class voters, in which he said, “It’s not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or anti-pathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

And Maher’s response?

“And finally, New Rule: Referring to voters who America has left behind economically as ‘bitter’ isn’t an insult. In fact, it’s a compliment, acknowledging that they’re smart enough to understand what’s happening to them. The hopeful, now those are some idiots.

So, let’s separate the bitter - my people - from the idiots. If you think the Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you’re an idiot. If you think they’re going to take away your gun, you’re an armed idiot. And if you think they’re going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you’re Bill O’Reilly.

Now, at the end of last week when Barack Obama ignited the ‘bitter-gate’ scandal, you would have thought that he had scaled Mount Rushmore, dick-slapped Jefferson in the face, and spray painted ‘God damn America’ over Lincoln. But he wasn’t lying. The truth is that religion and guns and hating gays and immigrants are crutches that people lean on. So are fast-food, crystal meth and child beauty pageants, but we don’t have time to tackle all of America’s addictions in one night.

So, let’s focus on the big thing. That the people who claim to be the ‘non-elitists,’ are the ones who constantly shift tax burdens from the people who fire you, to you. John McCain voted to repeal the estate tax, voted against raising the minimum wage, has no health care plan, and is fine with keeping the working class in Iraq for a hundred years. But, he’s a real ‘man of the people.’

And the president went to Harvard and Yale, and inherited your country from his dad. But he’s not an elitist because he can neither read nor write.

What does it take to label someone ‘elitist’ these days anyway? They wear shoes? They don’t buy their groceries at the gas station? Their dog has a name and their truck doesn’t?!

You know who is bitter in America? I am. Because shit-kickers voted twice for a retarded guy they wanted to have a beer with, and everybody else had to suffer the consequences!”

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