In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.” He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the rain for forty days and forty nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard … but no Ark.”Noah!” he roared. “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

Warren Buffett, the world’s richest person, yesterday guessed that the incoming (or ongoing?) recession will be far worse and last longer than most people realize, though I’m sure he will be none the worse for wear because of it.

In the meantime, thanks to high gas prices, Shell has reported a 25% increase in profits from the first quarter. Go f**k yourselves, energy companies.

The first batch of the government’s economic stimulus checks went out yesterday, and I’m pretty certain that most things bought with that $600 will have been made in China. So how exactly they’ll stimulate the American economy is beyond me.

Who knew it would suck so much to be middle class?

I’m feeling very cynical today.

In honor of the ongoing tax season - and my procrastination with regard to filing my own taxes - I spent a few moments today perusing lists of humorous nuggets about the world’s weirdest tax write-offs.

I think one of the funniest, perhaps not as weird as the rest, was the one about a married couple who were in a meeting with their accountant. Quite innocently, the accountant asked, “What about the mortgage interest deduction for the condo in Utah?” Turns out the husband had a secret condo where he had set up his mistress. Talk about a whoops moment!

Or take the Manhattan man who was low on dough … and something else entirely.

“He had made some money being a sperm donor and wanted to know if he could take a depletion allowance,” the accountant recalled. “I told him he really needed to be an oil well or something like that.”

Check out some more odd write-offs at Third Age and AOL Money & Finance, and happy tax season, everyone.

I’ll admit that I took a little offense to my friend’s statement a couple of month’s ago. Meg and I had gone over to her apartment (as she had just moved in with her girlfriend of two years), and they had recently redecorated the place with some paint and new furniture. As we were admiring the apartment - because, really, it is very nice - she said, “Our house is like the place you go for cheese and wine … your place is the party house. You know, you go there to have a really good time, get wasted.” And I know it’s silly of me to take offense to that, but let’s be honest, I have always had very specific views about how my ‘adult’ apartment would look, and that’s just not the case right now. What can I say? Our current is overflowing with DVDs, Ikea furniture, guitars for Guitar Hero, and a couple of couches that are a little too hard to fall asleep on - a must for a sofa.

Because of this, Meg and I decided our first step would be to replace the rickety, broken coffee table that currently adorns our living room with a new solid one, so we headed on down to Bob’s Discount Furniture in South Brunswick after viewing some pretty appealing commercials about it on TV. And, in addition to getting a coffee table (that’s very, very nice), we also ended up with two end tables, an entertainment center, and a tall dining room table with six of the most comfortable chairs ever, all with a dark cherry wood finish. Go us. The next day, we rented a truck from Home Depot ($20 for 75 minutes - awesome) and brought the table and chairs home, and the rest of the furniture will be delivered on Friday. I just got the confirmation call from Bob’s, and they’re expecting to be there between, get this, 6:30 and 9:30 AM. I don’t know if I’m up for arranging furniture at 6:30 in the morning, but hey, at least it’ll be long finished before our poker game Friday evening.

Now the next step is to get some light-colored sofas, and our living room will be complete. Methinks I may have to wait a paycheck or two, however - or at least see how big my tax refund is expected to be. Either way, it’s a very exciting time for our apartment, and I can’t wait for people to see it once it’s complete.

The current state of the market has taken a toll on my mutual fund investments. Being only 23, I figure I can afford to invest in aggressive growth funds because, though they show much more volatility in the short-term, over a long period of time they have the potential to show high rates of return on principal. However, I’ve already gotten into a bad habit that just adds to my stress level: checking my balances daily. Obviously this is not the wisest decision. I’ve seen both funds go down over four percent in the past week, and it’s killing me! And because of this, it’s little reassurance that undoubtedly the funds will - fingers crossed - regain and surpass those losses eventually. I curse the advent of online banking. Bah.

I have one minor expenditure coming up in the next week, which would be buying a dress for my mother’s wedding. I figure I’ll limit myself to $120, and check out noted department stores rather than name-brand boutiques. After all, I succeeded in spending only $70 for my junior prom dress, and only $25 for my senior prom dress, and they were both stunning. Deals can be had; you just need to know where to find them.

It’s day two of no smoking, and I already feel as though my lungs are less heavy. I guess that’s how to describe it. Singing in the car en route to work this morning, I found my voice has gotten a bit clearer, but maybe that’s just my imagination. I’m still tempted to put the $5 I’d spend on cigarettes each day into a jar, but jars don’t pay interest, so maybe that’s not such a good idea. It’d be nice to see a wad of bills growing daily on my desk, though!

This week:

• groceries $67.12
• movie and munchies $19.50
• gas $25.00

That’s a total of $111.62. If it were a pre-budget week:

• food and drink $82.50
• cigarettes $30.00
• gas $25.00
• movie and munchies $19.50

Grand total: $157. That’s already a savings of over $45. Man, it’s so much better when you can see it in front of you! And I get paid on Friday. That just makes me smile even more.

I was a sloth this weekend, and it was amazing. Just what I needed. Apart from meeting J on Friday to see Ice Age 2: The Meltdown (which was entertaining, but not as good as the first one), M and I pretty much stayed in the house all weekend and played video games, watched videos, read books, and cooked. Saturday and Sunday were lazy and perfect. Monday came too soon - no surprise there.

But because I was a hermit this weekend, I spent much less money than I would have if I’d been sociable and gone out. I did a big grocery shop, but that goes in line with my new budget, so that doesn’t count. Let’s think about this: before, I was spending, say, $4.50 a weekday on lunch and $10 on dinner practically ever night. Over a month, that’s a loss of almost … $390! Oh my god. I totally didn’t realise how much I was spending until I just did the math. Um, so yeah, obviously eating out is a no-go for me from now on. But that’s okay. Fast food doesn’t tie in with my new ‘healthier, happier me’ thing.

On another note, the rattle in my car has gotten worse. I should really get that checked out, but I keep forgetting or I just don’t have the time. I have the feeling that, one of these days, a major part of the engine or something will come crashing out on the highway and leave me stuck. Breaking down is a major fear of mine, and always has been, though I’ve never actually experienced it. Hmm.

I’m meant to take the Series 66 by this Friday - gah! I guess that’s do-able. I need to call up the center and book an appointment, stat.